My Own Insecurities

 

confidence

I honestly struggle a lot.
My insecurities doesn’t cause me anxiety, that I am aware of. But I really am self conscious. It is a weird thing to be inside my mind. I guess in reality I just throw on clothes, but then I look in the mirror and realize my mom muffin top can be seen and completely change what I wanted to wear. It sucks. I only have the front of my stomach to be the issue. Like you can totally tell a watermelon kiddo was in there. Like excess skin, stretch marks, the look of a muffin top… it doesn’t go away. Maybe some people look at me to be beautiful but in my head, I think I can be “better“.

My closet is a prime example of my lack of knowledge on how to dress my apple shape. I have more dark colors in there, than Hot Topic. I do have plaid options, but I just don’t know how to dress it? I don’t think my apple shape looks great in skinny jeans or leggings, but I try. I try to gather different styles on Pinterest, because well, Pinterest is like a secret addiction and everyone wants in. hahaha!

I also go through my wrecked brain that maybe people just really don’t like me. Maybe they put on a pretend fake smile and nod, just to please me. Heck, I mean, if I really did have friends, then I would be busy during the weekends, and I would have people to talk to, right!? (See what I did there. I let you in my mind a second). I know it isn’t good to have these “thoughts” as I don’t do this everyday. Just my dark days do I feel or hear such negative. I do have great days. I have days where I feel human, I feel amazing and beautiful. However, the dark days are the ones that lead me on a path of not really understanding who I am.

Who am I!? 
I often wonder this. Who am I… What is my goal in life, what is life, what do I do in life.
With being a stay at home mom, that’s all I know. All I know is raising tiny humans, feeding tiny humans, training tiny humans, referring tiny humans, okay I am sure you get the point. That’s all I know myself to be. Next year I will be an empty-nester of sorts. Both kids will be in school all day, and where does that leave me? Where do I fit in, if I no longer have a child at home who needs me?

A lot of my insecurities just come from the simple fact of not really knowing what I am, or who I am. It also comes from the fact that I cannot lose weight, and I tend to blame myself, but I really try! I do! I promise. I was even drinking ZERO ounces of water to 60oz of water, I really went all out to try to lose weight. There are steps on the bad days that I do try…

Stop Pleasing Everyone
Everyone is going to have opinions. Everyone is going to give their story. Everyone is going to have the “right” way to do things. Just stop trying to please everyone else. Just stop.

Stop Making Yourself Feel Less Than You Are 
Don’t worry about what doesn’t matter. Don’t make things up that isn’t there to begin with. Stop wondering if they will love you and just go with the fact they are spending time with you.

Stop Holding Onto the Past 
Let the past stay in the past. Re-start on a journey and stop dwelling on what happened in the past. Sure, you can use it to help someone, and show how much strength you have, but don’t let it be your pity party.

Stop Being Dependent On Someone Else
Whoa, hello stay at home mom problems. Listen, stop regretting you have to depend on someone else, because in reality, you have kids who depend on you! Don’t look at it as depending on them, look at it as saving them money.

So, some of these are what I do when I start feeling some of my insecurities come about. I start wondering and I then remember to think about these few things. We all have things to work on, we all have doubts, and wonders; however, it is all about what we do when we process it. That is what counts. So make today count, I already am.
~Jenna

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