Can’t Live Without

Google Image30 days of Truth is about bringing out the best in yourself. Also, to let people see the “real” you through what you write. For thirty days I will write about myself, I will dig deep and I hope you can start this journey with me. 30 days of Truth; Are you ready!?

Day 15 – Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Ok, so I have been thinking and here is some of things I couldn’t live without:
Phone, Internet, Music, Happiness, Friends
I know the prompt was “something/someone” but I am changing it up to fit me. I couldn’t live without my phone, because how else am I going to reach out to people now-a-days. I call friends and family on a regular basis, or try to at least.
I couldn’t live without the Internet, because it gives me a way to vent out my frustrations, gives me connections to people all around the world, and gives me “virtual friends” who I may never meet.
Music, because it feels the void in my heart when I listen to a song. Music is my let-go point. It is something I can relate to. It can bring me from my darkest days, to add to one of my happiest days. I enjoy my music a lot, which if you have been following me, you would have noticed through my 30 day Music Challenge.
Happiness. I don’t think anyone in this world could live without happiness, do you? I love to see my friends and family happy. I love to see people smiling and laughing. It is part of my nature to extend my happiness to someone, if need be. Sometimes my words don’t come across like they should, and different people read me differently. I will tell you that I will never talk “down” to you. I am usually sarcastic, in a good way, to make you smile, or laugh.

Someone I couldn’t live without, uhm, there is a few that could fit here. My friends, they know who they are (Justin, Ryan, Lisa, Lauren, Crystal, Mom, and all my best friends out there). There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about them. I have went days, or months before without talking to some of these, and I wasn’t myself without them. They know just what to say to bring my hopes up, and they know exactly when to call when I need someone, just as I would do for them. Friends are what makes us today, if we didn’t have friends, the only thing we would have would be ourselves.(I would have said Hubby and Jade, but well I have never really lived without them since they entered my life)

What is it that you couldn’t live without, because you tried living without it?

Previous Days
Day 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

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Forgiveness

Google Image  30 days of Truth is about bringing out the best in yourself. Also, to let people see the “real” you through what you write. For thirty days I will write about myself, I will dig deep and I hope you can start this journey with me. 30 days of Truth; Are you ready!?


Day 03– Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I am still learning on how to forgive myself. Forgiveness isn’t about just saying “I forgive you” and you walk away from it. Forgiveness has to come from your heart and mind. You have to learn to forgive and forget, and I still haven’t done that completely yet.
I need to learn to forgive myself for the things I done when my step-dad walked away. I was there for my mom till she was ready to get back on her feet again. Once she got back into the dating life, and found herself, I shut the world off. I broke up with the guy I had been dating for almost a year, I started drinking heavily, I didn’t really care about school, and I just withdrawal myself from the “friends” I went to school with and met new friends. I wanted to drink away my feelings, I wanted to be in a world that I no longer felt “alone”, I wanted someone to wrap me up in their arms and tell me that they will be there for me, and never leave me.
This wasn’t just the thing that I “wanted” to do. I felt I needed to get away from everything. My whole family was torn apart, and it wasn’t just an easy tear where you can tape it back together. The family I knew as my family will no longer be a part of my life. Oh well, you live and you learn right?
I have to learn to forgive myself, because all this is not my fault. Yes, I was the one who broke it to my mom that my step-dad was not being himself; and he has been getting calls from a woman who gave my mom an exact hour to get to work. Yes, I was the one who told my mom that she needed to call Verizon and act as though she lost the password to her daughter’s phone and she needs to look at the account and past history, and yes I walked her through it. If it wasn’t for me my mom would probably never have known till it was too late and she wouldn’t be where she is today.
I also need to learn to forgive myself for driving on a hangover to get home before my mom did on Sundays. She would come home on Sundays to fetch her some clean clothes, of things she didn’t wear the previous week before. I am so glad that I didn’t get in a wreck on my way home, or hurt someone else. I am thankful that I had a friend to help me through the difficult times as if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t know how I would have made it through everything I have been through. He looked out for me when I was drinking, or driving. He knew when I was supposed to be home, and he would call me to make sure I made it; sometimes he would even follow me.
I have to really learn to put all the past behind me. I cannot change them, even though I wish we could go back in the past and redo things that should be redone. Maybe one day I can come to grips of forgiving myself, but right now that is something I am still learning.

Another thing I have to learn to forgive myself is not going to see family. Family is a big part of my life. I believe in family gatherings, I believe that we are not granted tomorrow and we should do everything we can to see the ones who are blood related to us.
I think we all get tied up in our lives till we don’t see the whole picture. When my cousin died (He was only a yr younger than me) all I could think about was when the last time I saw him was. Who is to blame for this? Me! I am the one who sits at home, not because I want to just “sit” here but it is because my husband works to pay the bills, to provide for us, and take care of us and we only have 1 car. If he is at work and school, how am I supposed to get around seeing family like I want to? I believe that family should be there for each other no matter what. I think we should have gatherings every time there is a holiday (New Years Eve/Day, Easter, Mother’s/Father’s Day, Independence Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and have a birthday party every month- if you have birthdays that month). I miss not seeing my family as often as I use to, it sucks growing up and having your own responsibilities at times, but sometimes you just have to man up and do what is right.

“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”  (Ephesians 4:31-32)

Previous Days
Day 1, Day 2

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Hate About Me

Google Image 30 days of Truth is about bringing out the best in yourself. Also, to let people see the “real” you through what you write. For thirty days I will write about myself, I will dig deep and I hope you can start this journey with me. 30 days of Truth; Are you ready!?



Day 1
Something A list you hate about yourself
I really Hate the word Hate, maybe I don’t totally like it, but hate just seems so bold. Today starts off the 30 days of Truth. I hope you stick around and enjoy this as much as I will.

The things I hate dislike about myself…
My hair curls underneath – Totally hard to flat iron
I’m too short (5’3) – I can’t reach in the top cabinets, sigh
I am considered “obese
That I can’t find more motivation in myself
Getting mad at my daughter
Belly fat
Cellulite
That I can’t get behind the wheel and just relax – I get so nervous!
Boring – this happens when I start daydreaming or nothing fab has happened
My inability to properly express my emotions

All these things are things I wish I could change, but it is me. All the things are what build the make-up of who I am. I wouldn’t wish these things away, but I would wish for them to easier, make sense?
It almost takes 45minutes just to flat iron my hair! Like really!? I am so NOT the girly girl, but I do like my hair straight!
How come I can’t grow just 2 more inches? Like seriously! I have to make love to the steering wheel, climb on the counters to get a cup, walk on my pants legs, I have to stand on my tippy toes to give my Hubby a kiss, or I will be kissing his chest, eh!?
When I want to workout, I do. Here lately I can’t seem to find the power button to get myself to do it. I don’t know if it is because it is 90 degrees outside and 80 inside or the fact that I am just being lazy, but usually I rather work in the yard than exercise in the house.
My husband totally gets upset at me when I am in the passengers seat and he is driving. I cling to the “Oh, Shit! Handle“, I tell him how to drive, I cringe into a knot, I scream, I yell, I tell him to get away from the big trucks! I never had the problem before, but after having my little one everything is nerve racking to me.
For some reason I just don’t know how to express my feelings like I should. I don’t cry when someone dies, unless it is at the funeral and they say something about the person, or give a speech about how they would say something. I cry when I am angry, I usually don’t just stand up and yell at someone. I cry when I no longer understand what I am doing, or understand the concept of things. I didn’t cry at my wedding, or when I gave birth, but I was completely over joyed by everything that was going on. I didn’t cry when they told us that our daughter may not make it out of the “woods”, but I did cry when they put her back under the billy light (just to be on the safe side). I didn’t cry when my Maw-maw died, but I cry when I think about her (sometimes). I’m just a mysterious puzzle piece.
I am working on my weight though, down 26lbs since April! I hope I will get down to 125lbs again, but we shall see.

What is it you hate/dislike about yourself? I hope you can find 30 days of Truth about you!
I can already tell this months challenge is going to be a hard one for me. Not because of “I don’t know what to write about” but because of how hard it is going to hit home. It is going to get DEEP.
 

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