30 days of Truth is about bringing out the best in yourself. Also, to let people see the “real” you through what you write. For thirty days I will write about myself, I will dig deep and I hope you can start this journey with me. 30 days of Truth; Are you ready!?

Day 03– Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I am still learning on how to forgive myself. Forgiveness isn’t about just saying “I forgive you” and you walk away from it. Forgiveness has to come from your heart and mind. You have to learn to forgive and forget, and I still haven’t done that completely yet.
I need to learn to forgive myself for the things I done when my step-dad walked away. I was there for my mom till she was ready to get back on her feet again. Once she got back into the dating life, and found herself, I shut the world off. I broke up with the guy I had been dating for almost a year, I started drinking heavily, I didn’t really care about school, and I just withdrawal myself from the “friends” I went to school with and met new friends. I wanted to drink away my feelings, I wanted to be in a world that I no longer felt “alone”, I wanted someone to wrap me up in their arms and tell me that they will be there for me, and never leave me.
This wasn’t just the thing that I “wanted” to do. I felt I needed to get away from everything. My whole family was torn apart, and it wasn’t just an easy tear where you can tape it back together. The family I knew as my family will no longer be a part of my life. Oh well, you live and you learn right?
I have to learn to forgive myself, because all this is not my fault. Yes, I was the one who broke it to my mom that my step-dad was not being himself; and he has been getting calls from a woman who gave my mom an exact hour to get to work. Yes, I was the one who told my mom that she needed to call Verizon and act as though she lost the password to her daughter’s phone and she needs to look at the account and past history, and yes I walked her through it. If it wasn’t for me my mom would probably never have known till it was too late and she wouldn’t be where she is today.
I also need to learn to forgive myself for driving on a hangover to get home before my mom did on Sundays. She would come home on Sundays to fetch her some clean clothes, of things she didn’t wear the previous week before. I am so glad that I didn’t get in a wreck on my way home, or hurt someone else. I am thankful that I had a friend to help me through the difficult times as if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t know how I would have made it through everything I have been through. He looked out for me when I was drinking, or driving. He knew when I was supposed to be home, and he would call me to make sure I made it; sometimes he would even follow me.
I have to really learn to put all the past behind me. I cannot change them, even though I wish we could go back in the past and redo things that should be redone. Maybe one day I can come to grips of forgiving myself, but right now that is something I am still learning.

Another thing I have to learn to forgive myself is not going to see family. Family is a big part of my life. I believe in family gatherings, I believe that we are not granted tomorrow and we should do everything we can to see the ones who are blood related to us.
I think we all get tied up in our lives till we don’t see the whole picture. When my cousin died (He was only a yr younger than me) all I could think about was when the last time I saw him was. Who is to blame for this? Me! I am the one who sits at home, not because I want to just “sit” here but it is because my husband works to pay the bills, to provide for us, and take care of us and we only have 1 car. If he is at work and school, how am I supposed to get around seeing family like I want to? I believe that family should be there for each other no matter what. I think we should have gatherings every time there is a holiday (New Years Eve/Day, Easter, Mother’s/Father’s Day, Independence Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and have a birthday party every month- if you have birthdays that month). I miss not seeing my family as often as I use to, it sucks growing up and having your own responsibilities at times, but sometimes you just have to man up and do what is right.

“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”  (Ephesians 4:31-32)

Previous Days
Day 1, Day 2

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