Depression and Anxiety

pain

I have depression and anxiety. Yup, I will admit it here. I have suffered with it for a long time, I just never talk about it. I don’t even take medicine for it, because I don’t want a pill helping me, I want to help myself. My anxiety comes from a number of places: my past, dealing with medical issues, just a lot of different things. I’m not one to say “I’m depressed today, leave me alone” or “I can’t do that due to my anxiety” or “Pray for me, my anxiety is bad“. I guess in a way, to me, if I said those things I would look at it as an excuse? Instead, I cover up with that excuse with something else.

I get anxiety with a number of different things.
1 – house cleaning. I don’t know why but if I stopped cleaning house or get off my schedule my anxiety goes through the roof. I mask it by sitting on the couch and binge watch tv, I zone out. If I don’t look at it and just go through the emotions of everyday, it doesn’t bother me. However, it eventually catches up to me and bites me hard! One day I will look around and realize how much I have let go, and it will bother me to the point of cleaning the whole house in one day. It is like a never ending cycle. I don’t know how to fix it. Sure, saying, “well, just do some of the chores everyday, it will get better.” It doesn’t work that way unfortunately, because with a family you get off your schedule with so many things: sickness, doctor appointments, etc.

2 – going places. I have mentally prepare myself to go anywhere. It is like a coach coaching a team. I have to coach myself into going some where. I have to think “positive” so to speak. It’s not because I am wondering what people are thinking. It is because I want to know what people’s intentions are. With being sexually touched in my own home, by a neighbor, my anxiety from my teen years has came back full force. So, I constantly worry what people’s intentions are. It is like a punch to the gut a lot of times. It sucks to, because I have to worry about this with friends too, not just strangers. Heck, I even have anxiety if someone knocks on my door! Like just go away. If I know you, then I at least expect you to come over, but a stranger knocking on the door… just no.Β Β Due to this, I tend to be home A LOT!

3 – kids. Not that kids are just those tiny humans who get into things, but I worry about their well-being. I worry. What mom doesn’t though, right!? With my daughter, we just never know what triggers her. Her asthma is bad, which is manageable, it is just something that I want answers to. Same with her food allergies, I suspect she has a sunflower seed allergy too, but I can’t get up the nerve and guts to feed it to her. Because who in their right mind will want to do that.

4 – weight. This is more of a depression thing. Why can’t I lose weight like a normal person! I know everyone is different, but come on! I have tried vast of things over the past of 3 years.
The 1200 calorie intake. I did this. I did this for almost a year, only lost 10 lbs! 10 pounds. My husband changes his diet and calorie intake and loses 80lbs. Nothing makes you feel worse than someone beating you at something you want.
I have tried the 10,000 step exercise. Again, nothing. I was walking 2 miles a day and still sitting at 190-200 lbs! What the heck is that? Why can’t I lose weight, I guess I never know. The doctors try different things and nothing works. My liver enzymes are high, so they just assume it is that. Again, they don’t know why they are high, nothing shows on blood work, and my case was sent to Mayo Clinic and they didn’t have answers either. I also had a liver biopsy. So, I guess until something works, I will just sit my happy booty on the couch and feed myself whatever I want, because well… if the pounds are going to stay then I guess my Oreos will to! (the last sentence is sarcasm)

I know I can not control everything, and I know everything has a purpose. So, all I can do is cast all of this on God. Let him help me, because I know itΒ is what is needed of me. With anxiety, we have to learn the ability to trust God into helping us, we have to cast all our anxieties, all our worries on him. I know it is hard, I am living proof. I am human. We all are human, but I hope we all (anxiety, worries, depression) learn how to make it better. Here goes another day, another time… and I do care! If you need an ear, I will be here. Love you all.
~Jenna

Advertisements
Previous Post
Leave a comment

14 Comments

  1. You may want to check out my transformational healing guide and heal your ailments the natural way. Enjoy your journey. https://www.coursecraft.net/courses/z9Re1

    Reply
  2. I’ve been in the same boat.
    And you’re officially my hero.

    Reply
  3. I can totally relate! I do take medication, though. It helps me tremendously.

    Reply
    • I have tried different ones but I never really seen a difference. Do you know an incredible difference? I know one made me feel different, like “outside” of the box so to speak. Thank you for stopping by too! Great to see new faces πŸ™‚

    • Thanks πŸ™‚ I have taken fluoxetine for over 20 years. I know that it’s supposed to lose it’s effectiveness over time, but I have weaned off of it several times and only then noticed a difference. I only take 20mg, which is a relatively small dose. I also have the smallest dose of alprazolam that is available. Recently, I started using herbal tinctures-chamomile and lemon balm. I find that either of those works better than the alprazolam! My main problem is getting to sleep and staying asleep. The tinctures provide a very sound sleep, and I like the idea of those much better than another pill. I’m not going to attempt to give up the fluoxetine again. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia 3 years ago. While I sometimes think it is BS (for me), I know fluoxetine is sometimes used to treat it. When I have gone off the fluoxetine before, I have had pain flare up’s. Whether it’s withdrawal or fibromyalgia-I don’t really care-I just don’t want to experience it again! Sorry for the diatribe πŸ™‚ Really enjoyed reading your post. I think it’s a great thing when someone can put themselves out there…I personally find it therapeutic πŸ˜‰

    • great information! I may just schedule an appointment to see if I need to try something else. My patience is so thin, but I am sure it is with being at home all the time too. I will also try the herbal! At this point, I think I need to try a vast of things. I just want to keep my sanity lol! Thank you, I love reading about people too. It is cheaper than the therapist hahahaha! πŸ˜‰

    • My patience was very thin when my kids were younger–that is when I needed my medication the most!! LOL Feel free to vent to me any time!!! πŸ™‚

    • Yesss! I have an 8 and 3 year old. Tantrums is a common thing right now lol

    • Mine are now 18, 15, and 8. I totally get it.

    • Oh man, please tell me it gets better! πŸ˜‰

    • Better…or….different…?!? πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­πŸ˜‚ Mine are boy-girl-boy…with the age gap, it was not planned but helpful…then it turned on meπŸ˜‚

    • Different is good though, at least you didn’t say it is awful πŸ˜‰ I have hope! You give me hope. I hope mine becomes helpful. My oldest is a girl, youngest is a boy. Right now the youngest is paying back his sister (throwing punches, tattling on him since she tattled on him for so long). Never a dull moment, but I wouldn’t change it.

  1. My Own Insecurities | We're Jumpin'

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: