I have depression and anxiety. Yup, I will admit it here. I have suffered with it for a long time, I just never talk about it. I don’t even take medicine for it, because I don’t want a pill helping me, I want to help myself. My anxiety comes from a number of places: my past, dealing with medical issues, just a lot of different things. I’m not one to say “I’m depressed today, leave me alone” or “I can’t do that due to my anxiety” or “Pray for me, my anxiety is bad“. I guess in a way, to me, if I said those things I would look at it as an excuse? Instead, I cover up with that excuse with something else.
I get anxiety with a number of different things.
1 – house cleaning. I don’t know why but if I stopped cleaning house or get off my schedule my anxiety goes through the roof. I mask it by sitting on the couch and binge watch tv, I zone out. If I don’t look at it and just go through the emotions of everyday, it doesn’t bother me. However, it eventually catches up to me and bites me hard! One day I will look around and realize how much I have let go, and it will bother me to the point of cleaning the whole house in one day. It is like a never ending cycle. I don’t know how to fix it. Sure, saying, “well, just do some of the chores everyday, it will get better.” It doesn’t work that way unfortunately, because with a family you get off your schedule with so many things: sickness, doctor appointments, etc.
2 – going places. I have mentally prepare myself to go anywhere. It is like a coach coaching a team. I have to coach myself into going some where. I have to think “positive” so to speak. It’s not because I am wondering what people are thinking. It is because I want to know what people’s intentions are. With being sexually touched in my own home, by a neighbor, my anxiety from my teen years has came back full force. So, I constantly worry what people’s intentions are. It is like a punch to the gut a lot of times. It sucks to, because I have to worry about this with friends too, not just strangers. Heck, I even have anxiety if someone knocks on my door! Like just go away. If I know you, then I at least expect you to come over, but a stranger knocking on the door… just no. Due to this, I tend to be home A LOT!
3 – kids. Not that kids are just those tiny humans who get into things, but I worry about their well-being. I worry. What mom doesn’t though, right!? With my daughter, we just never know what triggers her. Her asthma is bad, which is manageable, it is just something that I want answers to. Same with her food allergies, I suspect she has a sunflower seed allergy too, but I can’t get up the nerve and guts to feed it to her. Because who in their right mind will want to do that.
4 – weight. This is more of a depression thing. Why can’t I lose weight like a normal person! I know everyone is different, but come on! I have tried vast of things over the past of 3 years.
The 1200 calorie intake. I did this. I did this for almost a year, only lost 10 lbs! 10 pounds. My husband changes his diet and calorie intake and loses 80lbs. Nothing makes you feel worse than someone beating you at something you want.
I have tried the 10,000 step exercise. Again, nothing. I was walking 2 miles a day and still sitting at 190-200 lbs! What the heck is that? Why can’t I lose weight, I guess I never know. The doctors try different things and nothing works. My liver enzymes are high, so they just assume it is that. Again, they don’t know why they are high, nothing shows on blood work, and my case was sent to Mayo Clinic and they didn’t have answers either. I also had a liver biopsy. So, I guess until something works, I will just sit my happy booty on the couch and feed myself whatever I want, because well… if the pounds are going to stay then I guess my Oreos will to! (the last sentence is sarcasm)
I know I can not control everything, and I know everything has a purpose. So, all I can do is cast all of this on God. Let him help me, because I know it is what is needed of me. With anxiety, we have to learn the ability to trust God into helping us, we have to cast all our anxieties, all our worries on him. I know it is hard, I am living proof. I am human. We all are human, but I hope we all (anxiety, worries, depression) learn how to make it better. Here goes another day, another time… and I do care! If you need an ear, I will be here. Love you all.