I Can Forgive Him

30 days of Truth is about bringing out the best in yourself. Also, to let people see the “real” you through what you write. For thirty days I will write about myself, I will dig deep and I hope you can start this journey with me. 30 days of Truth; Are you ready!?

Day 04 – Something you have to forgive someone for
I have to forgive my step-dad for leaving me. Even though it hurts and I still wanna reach out to him, I have to let him go. If i let him go, it is no longer me that is holding on, and if he doesn’t want to be a part of who I am today, than it is his own fault. He can never say I didn’t try, or I didn’t contact him, because I did.
I have to forgive him for calling me I am a lair.
I have to forgive him for thinking I would call and tell on him, so he could lose his job. (How stupid is for a man to think such! I may have been a kid, but I know jobs are hard to come by. He may have destroyed my family, but I wouldn’t scope down to his level and stab him in the back, even if I hated him). Point is I never hated him. He raised me, I have to respect that.
One day, I will totally forgive him and then totally forget him. His family is not mine, and I will continue walking away with my back towards them. They don’t reach out to me, then there is no need to keep looking through the rear-view mirror.
I have to forgive him even though I wake up from awful dreams, tears rolling down my face. I can wake up from a dream and feel as though it was as real as the day he walked out on me. I still have dreams and it has been 7 years.
My dreams are so vivid, it is heartbreaking. I can see his face, his smile, I can hear his laugh, the way he stands, I can see how he walks.
One dream that has stuck with me is…

I am packing a box of everything he has missed in my daughter’s life. I pack a scrapbook, on the front of the scrapbook it says “You were Gone, but not Forgotten, I still love you Grandpa. I place Jades outfits that she outgrew in the box with the scrapbook at the bottom, a rattler from when she was a baby, pictures upon pictures, and cards. I wrap the box up in wrapping paper. We get in the car on Christmas Eve (Jades birthday) and go to my Step-dad’s moms house. I tell everyone not to tell him we are there, Jade and I hide in the library right beside the living room. I can hear him coming in the kitchen door and I step out in front of him with Jade on my hip. I have tears in my eyes as I tell him Merry Christmas. As I look up into his eyes all I can see is anger, and see his eyes turn into madness. I wake up from my dream; my heart racing, and fresh tears dropping off my cheeks.

Today, I can forgive him for leaving me so heartbroken, and lost.

(Luke 6:27-37) 27 “But I tell you who hear: love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, and pray for those who mistreat you. 29 To him who strikes you on the cheek, offer also the other; and from him who takes away your cloak, don’t withhold your coat also. 30 Give to everyone who asks you, and don’t ask him who takes away your goods to give them back again. 31 “As you would like people to do to you, do exactly so to them. 32 If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 If you lend to those from whom you hope to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to receive back as much. 35 But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing back; and your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High; for he is kind toward the unthankful and evil. 36 Therefore be merciful, even as your Father is also merciful. 37 Don’t judge, and you won’t be judged. Don’t condemn, and you won’t be condemned. Set free, and you will be set free.

 

Good Charlotte – Hey Dad

Dear Person I no longer Know,
My you never know how broken I was when you didn’t show for my prom, or my graduation. I remember calling your cell. We would talk while you drove the big truck to your stops. We would laugh, and catch up on the things that were happening in our lives. You sounded so happy. Then all of a sudden your number changed. I never heard from you. I would call the fuel desk, leave my number for you to call me back, I never would hear anything. It came time for me to get married. You never showed, never called. Your mom brought me some flowers to my wedding, she told me it was from you. You came up to your mom the following month for thanksgiving. I told you thank you for the flowers and you were so cold to me. You told me that you didn’t send flowers that was all your mom. You never knew how crushed I was. I didn’t show it that day, I should had. I should had told you how I felt, but I was just glad to see you. I remember as the night went on you didn’t talk to me. You stayed your distance. I sat with my Aunt-in-law as I watched you laugh and joke with your family. I knew then I was the outcast. I was never meant to be there. I was fuming with anger, I hated your girlfriend, I blamed her for everything. For destroying my family. I called her names I shouldn’t have when I cornered you outside to ask what was up with you. You started pointing at me screaming. You started
yelling at me and told me that everything that happened was my fault. I was the one to screw up your life. I remembered putting my hands over my face as the words rained over me. I remember feeling like I was lost, cornered in a corner, and never backing off. Your mom was standing over me telling you to back off because I didn’t know what you was talking about. She was telling you to stop the nonsense. Once you went back inside I left. I left trembling, and that’s when my nightmares started. That night is when I started dreaming about you screaming at me. All I can do in my dream is watch you, it is like reliving that day all over again.
Everything happens for a reason, rather it was because you thought I did something that I didn’t, or you just needed to escape me because I was the link back to my mom. I don’t know the reasons, I probably never will, but I will never forget how you was there for me. I will never forget the times we rode in your truck when it snowed. We would fly down the driveway and do donuts.
I will never forget the time we was watching something on tv and men jumped out of a plane with parachute and you got up and walked out of the house to sit on the porch as tears streamed down your face. At that point I have never seen you cry, and I was trapped inside because you didn’t want me to see you crying or upset.
I will never forget the time you went to my school to stand behind me. You took up for me and you told the principle just what you thought.
You raised me as your daughter. I will never forget that. Memories will always be with me, no matter how hard you try to act toward me. I will always have them, at least you can’t take them away. I remember you wanted me to be your little girl, you wanted to adopt me. People always thought I was yours anyway. When you was home, I was with you. I was the “Daddy’s Little girl”.
If I could tell you anything today it would be I forgive you. I forgive you for everything we went through. I will stand up and tell you I am sorry for anything I have ever said about your wife, but you have to remember I was your little girl. I will stand here and tell you I am sorry till I am blue in the face, but just know I forgive you, and I will always have love for you, but now it is time for me to let go.
Sincerely,
Me

Previous Days
Day 1, Day 2, Day 3

*note* I will comment on everyone when I get in tonight, or tomorrow 🙂 Busy weekend 😛 Happy posting and or happy reading! Have a great July 4th, or a wonderful day! ~Jenna

 

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Posted by We're Jumpin' on July 4, 2011

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