First Year and more with Grayson

I know I kind of left you guys hanging after Grayson was born. So, let me update you.

Grayson was born on April 7th. He is our lucky 7 baby. His delivery was amazing. Not much excitement. I had an epidural. My epidural was trying to wear off when I was around 8cm. Dude, you wanna talk about pain. Dear heavens, I was about to have a come to Jenna meeting right on the spot.

(more…)

I Can Forgive Him

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30 days of Truth is about bringing out the best in yourself. Also, to let people see the “real” you through what you write. For thirty days I will write about myself, I will dig deep and I hope you can start this journey with me. 30 days of Truth; Are you ready!?


Day 04 – Something you have to forgive someone for
I have to forgive my step-dad for leaving me. Even though it hurts and I still wanna reach out to him, I have to let him go. If i let him go, it is no longer me that is holding on, and if he doesn’t want to be a part of who I am today, than it is his own fault. He can never say I didn’t try, or I didn’t contact him, because I did.
I have to forgive him for calling me I am a lair.
I have to forgive him for thinking I would call and tell on him, so he could lose his job. (How stupid is for a man to think such! I may have been a kid, but I know jobs are hard to come by. He may have destroyed my family, but I wouldn’t scope down to his level and stab him in the back, even if I hated him). Point is I never hated him. He raised me, I have to respect that.
One day, I will totally forgive him and then totally forget him. His family is not mine, and I will continue walking away with my back towards them. They don’t reach out to me, then there is no need to keep looking through the rear-view mirror.
I have to forgive him even though I wake up from awful dreams, tears rolling down my face. I can wake up from a dream and feel as though it was as real as the day he walked out on me. I still have dreams and it has been 7 years.
My dreams are so vivid, it is heartbreaking. I can see his face, his smile, I can hear his laugh, the way he stands, I can see how he walks.
One dream that has stuck with me is…

I am packing a box of everything he has missed in my daughter’s life. I pack a scrapbook, on the front of the scrapbook it says “You were Gone, but not Forgotten, I still love you Grandpa. I place Jades outfits that she outgrew in the box with the scrapbook at the bottom, a rattler from when she was a baby, pictures upon pictures, and cards. I wrap the box up in wrapping paper. We get in the car on Christmas Eve (Jades birthday) and go to my Step-dad’s moms house. I tell everyone not to tell him we are there, Jade and I hide in the library right beside the living room. I can hear him coming in the kitchen door and I step out in front of him with Jade on my hip. I have tears in my eyes as I tell him Merry Christmas. As I look up into his eyes all I can see is anger, and see his eyes turn into madness. I wake up from my dream; my heart racing, and fresh tears dropping off my cheeks.

Today, I can forgive him for leaving me so heartbroken, and lost.

(Luke 6:27-37) 27 “But I tell you who hear: love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, and pray for those who mistreat you. 29 To him who strikes you on the cheek, offer also the other; and from him who takes away your cloak, don’t withhold your coat also. 30 Give to everyone who asks you, and don’t ask him who takes away your goods to give them back again. 31 “As you would like people to do to you, do exactly so to them. 32 If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 If you lend to those from whom you hope to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to receive back as much. 35 But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing back; and your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High; for he is kind toward the unthankful and evil. 36 Therefore be merciful, even as your Father is also merciful. 37 Don’t judge, and you won’t be judged. Don’t condemn, and you won’t be condemned. Set free, and you will be set free.

 


Good Charlotte – Hey Dad

Dear Person I no longer Know,
My you never know how broken I was when you didn’t show for my prom, or my graduation. I remember calling your cell. We would talk while you drove the big truck to your stops. We would laugh, and catch up on the things that were happening in our lives. You sounded so happy. Then all of a sudden your number changed. I never heard from you. I would call the fuel desk, leave my number for you to call me back, I never would hear anything. It came time for me to get married. You never showed, never called. Your mom brought me some flowers to my wedding, she told me it was from you. You came up to your mom the following month for thanksgiving. I told you thank you for the flowers and you were so cold to me. You told me that you didn’t send flowers that was all your mom. You never knew how crushed I was. I didn’t show it that day, I should had. I should had told you how I felt, but I was just glad to see you. I remember as the night went on you didn’t talk to me. You stayed your distance. I sat with my Aunt-in-law as I watched you laugh and joke with your family. I knew then I was the outcast. I was never meant to be there. I was fuming with anger, I hated your girlfriend, I blamed her for everything. For destroying my family. I called her names I shouldn’t have when I cornered you outside to ask what was up with you. You started pointing at me screaming. You started
yelling at me and told me that everything that happened was my fault. I was the one to screw up your life. I remembered putting my hands over my face as the words rained over me. I remember feeling like I was lost, cornered in a corner, and never backing off. Your mom was standing over me telling you to back off because I didn’t know what you was talking about. She was telling you to stop the nonsense. Once you went back inside I left. I left trembling, and that’s when my nightmares started. That night is when I started dreaming about you screaming at me. All I can do in my dream is watch you, it is like reliving that day all over again.
Everything happens for a reason, rather it was because you thought I did something that I didn’t, or you just needed to escape me because I was the link back to my mom. I don’t know the reasons, I probably never will, but I will never forget how you was there for me. I will never forget the times we rode in your truck when it snowed. We would fly down the driveway and do donuts.
I will never forget the time we was watching something on tv and men jumped out of a plane with parachute and you got up and walked out of the house to sit on the porch as tears streamed down your face. At that point I have never seen you cry, and I was trapped inside because you didn’t want me to see you crying or upset.
I will never forget the time you went to my school to stand behind me. You took up for me and you told the principle just what you thought.
You raised me as your daughter. I will never forget that. Memories will always be with me, no matter how hard you try to act toward me. I will always have them, at least you can’t take them away. I remember you wanted me to be your little girl, you wanted to adopt me. People always thought I was yours anyway. When you was home, I was with you. I was the “Daddy’s Little girl”.
If I could tell you anything today it would be I forgive you. I forgive you for everything we went through. I will stand up and tell you I am sorry for anything I have ever said about your wife, but you have to remember I was your little girl. I will stand here and tell you I am sorry till I am blue in the face, but just know I forgive you, and I will always have love for you, but now it is time for me to let go.
Sincerely,
Me


Previous Days

Day 1
, Day 2, Day 3

*note* I will comment on everyone when I get in tonight, or tomorrow 🙂 Busy weekend 😛 Happy posting and or happy reading! Have a great July 4th, or a wonderful day! ~Jenna
 
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Forgiveness

Google Image  30 days of Truth is about bringing out the best in yourself. Also, to let people see the “real” you through what you write. For thirty days I will write about myself, I will dig deep and I hope you can start this journey with me. 30 days of Truth; Are you ready!?


Day 03– Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I am still learning on how to forgive myself. Forgiveness isn’t about just saying “I forgive you” and you walk away from it. Forgiveness has to come from your heart and mind. You have to learn to forgive and forget, and I still haven’t done that completely yet.
I need to learn to forgive myself for the things I done when my step-dad walked away. I was there for my mom till she was ready to get back on her feet again. Once she got back into the dating life, and found herself, I shut the world off. I broke up with the guy I had been dating for almost a year, I started drinking heavily, I didn’t really care about school, and I just withdrawal myself from the “friends” I went to school with and met new friends. I wanted to drink away my feelings, I wanted to be in a world that I no longer felt “alone”, I wanted someone to wrap me up in their arms and tell me that they will be there for me, and never leave me.
This wasn’t just the thing that I “wanted” to do. I felt I needed to get away from everything. My whole family was torn apart, and it wasn’t just an easy tear where you can tape it back together. The family I knew as my family will no longer be a part of my life. Oh well, you live and you learn right?
I have to learn to forgive myself, because all this is not my fault. Yes, I was the one who broke it to my mom that my step-dad was not being himself; and he has been getting calls from a woman who gave my mom an exact hour to get to work. Yes, I was the one who told my mom that she needed to call Verizon and act as though she lost the password to her daughter’s phone and she needs to look at the account and past history, and yes I walked her through it. If it wasn’t for me my mom would probably never have known till it was too late and she wouldn’t be where she is today.
I also need to learn to forgive myself for driving on a hangover to get home before my mom did on Sundays. She would come home on Sundays to fetch her some clean clothes, of things she didn’t wear the previous week before. I am so glad that I didn’t get in a wreck on my way home, or hurt someone else. I am thankful that I had a friend to help me through the difficult times as if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t know how I would have made it through everything I have been through. He looked out for me when I was drinking, or driving. He knew when I was supposed to be home, and he would call me to make sure I made it; sometimes he would even follow me.
I have to really learn to put all the past behind me. I cannot change them, even though I wish we could go back in the past and redo things that should be redone. Maybe one day I can come to grips of forgiving myself, but right now that is something I am still learning.

Another thing I have to learn to forgive myself is not going to see family. Family is a big part of my life. I believe in family gatherings, I believe that we are not granted tomorrow and we should do everything we can to see the ones who are blood related to us.
I think we all get tied up in our lives till we don’t see the whole picture. When my cousin died (He was only a yr younger than me) all I could think about was when the last time I saw him was. Who is to blame for this? Me! I am the one who sits at home, not because I want to just “sit” here but it is because my husband works to pay the bills, to provide for us, and take care of us and we only have 1 car. If he is at work and school, how am I supposed to get around seeing family like I want to? I believe that family should be there for each other no matter what. I think we should have gatherings every time there is a holiday (New Years Eve/Day, Easter, Mother’s/Father’s Day, Independence Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and have a birthday party every month- if you have birthdays that month). I miss not seeing my family as often as I use to, it sucks growing up and having your own responsibilities at times, but sometimes you just have to man up and do what is right.

“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”  (Ephesians 4:31-32)

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Hate About Me

Google Image 30 days of Truth is about bringing out the best in yourself. Also, to let people see the “real” you through what you write. For thirty days I will write about myself, I will dig deep and I hope you can start this journey with me. 30 days of Truth; Are you ready!?



Day 1
Something A list you hate about yourself
I really Hate the word Hate, maybe I don’t totally like it, but hate just seems so bold. Today starts off the 30 days of Truth. I hope you stick around and enjoy this as much as I will.

The things I hate dislike about myself…
My hair curls underneath – Totally hard to flat iron
I’m too short (5’3) – I can’t reach in the top cabinets, sigh
I am considered “obese
That I can’t find more motivation in myself
Getting mad at my daughter
Belly fat
Cellulite
That I can’t get behind the wheel and just relax – I get so nervous!
Boring – this happens when I start daydreaming or nothing fab has happened
My inability to properly express my emotions

All these things are things I wish I could change, but it is me. All the things are what build the make-up of who I am. I wouldn’t wish these things away, but I would wish for them to easier, make sense?
It almost takes 45minutes just to flat iron my hair! Like really!? I am so NOT the girly girl, but I do like my hair straight!
How come I can’t grow just 2 more inches? Like seriously! I have to make love to the steering wheel, climb on the counters to get a cup, walk on my pants legs, I have to stand on my tippy toes to give my Hubby a kiss, or I will be kissing his chest, eh!?
When I want to workout, I do. Here lately I can’t seem to find the power button to get myself to do it. I don’t know if it is because it is 90 degrees outside and 80 inside or the fact that I am just being lazy, but usually I rather work in the yard than exercise in the house.
My husband totally gets upset at me when I am in the passengers seat and he is driving. I cling to the “Oh, Shit! Handle“, I tell him how to drive, I cringe into a knot, I scream, I yell, I tell him to get away from the big trucks! I never had the problem before, but after having my little one everything is nerve racking to me.
For some reason I just don’t know how to express my feelings like I should. I don’t cry when someone dies, unless it is at the funeral and they say something about the person, or give a speech about how they would say something. I cry when I am angry, I usually don’t just stand up and yell at someone. I cry when I no longer understand what I am doing, or understand the concept of things. I didn’t cry at my wedding, or when I gave birth, but I was completely over joyed by everything that was going on. I didn’t cry when they told us that our daughter may not make it out of the “woods”, but I did cry when they put her back under the billy light (just to be on the safe side). I didn’t cry when my Maw-maw died, but I cry when I think about her (sometimes). I’m just a mysterious puzzle piece.
I am working on my weight though, down 26lbs since April! I hope I will get down to 125lbs again, but we shall see.

What is it you hate/dislike about yourself? I hope you can find 30 days of Truth about you!
I can already tell this months challenge is going to be a hard one for me. Not because of “I don’t know what to write about” but because of how hard it is going to hit home. It is going to get DEEP.
 

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