Google Image  30 days of Truth is about bringing out the best in yourself. Also, to let people see the “real” you through what you write. For thirty days I will write about myself, I will dig deep and I hope you can start this journey with me. 30 days of Truth; Are you ready!?

Day 03– Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I am still learning on how to forgive myself. Forgiveness isn’t about just saying “I forgive you” and you walk away from it. Forgiveness has to come from your heart and mind. You have to learn to forgive and forget, and I still haven’t done that completely yet.
I need to learn to forgive myself for the things I done when my step-dad walked away. I was there for my mom till she was ready to get back on her feet again. Once she got back into the dating life, and found herself, I shut the world off. I broke up with the guy I had been dating for almost a year, I started drinking heavily, I didn’t really care about school, and I just withdrawal myself from the “friends” I went to school with and met new friends. I wanted to drink away my feelings, I wanted to be in a world that I no longer felt “alone”, I wanted someone to wrap me up in their arms and tell me that they will be there for me, and never leave me.
This wasn’t just the thing that I “wanted” to do. I felt I needed to get away from everything. My whole family was torn apart, and it wasn’t just an easy tear where you can tape it back together. The family I knew as my family will no longer be a part of my life. Oh well, you live and you learn right?
I have to learn to forgive myself, because all this is not my fault. Yes, I was the one who broke it to my mom that my step-dad was not being himself; and he has been getting calls from a woman who gave my mom an exact hour to get to work. Yes, I was the one who told my mom that she needed to call Verizon and act as though she lost the password to her daughter’s phone and she needs to look at the account and past history, and yes I walked her through it. If it wasn’t for me my mom would probably never have known till it was too late and she wouldn’t be where she is today.
I also need to learn to forgive myself for driving on a hangover to get home before my mom did on Sundays. She would come home on Sundays to fetch her some clean clothes, of things she didn’t wear the previous week before. I am so glad that I didn’t get in a wreck on my way home, or hurt someone else. I am thankful that I had a friend to help me through the difficult times as if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t know how I would have made it through everything I have been through. He looked out for me when I was drinking, or driving. He knew when I was supposed to be home, and he would call me to make sure I made it; sometimes he would even follow me.
I have to really learn to put all the past behind me. I cannot change them, even though I wish we could go back in the past and redo things that should be redone. Maybe one day I can come to grips of forgiving myself, but right now that is something I am still learning.

Another thing I have to learn to forgive myself is not going to see family. Family is a big part of my life. I believe in family gatherings, I believe that we are not granted tomorrow and we should do everything we can to see the ones who are blood related to us.
I think we all get tied up in our lives till we don’t see the whole picture. When my cousin died (He was only a yr younger than me) all I could think about was when the last time I saw him was. Who is to blame for this? Me! I am the one who sits at home, not because I want to just “sit” here but it is because my husband works to pay the bills, to provide for us, and take care of us and we only have 1 car. If he is at work and school, how am I supposed to get around seeing family like I want to? I believe that family should be there for each other no matter what. I think we should have gatherings every time there is a holiday (New Years Eve/Day, Easter, Mother’s/Father’s Day, Independence Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and have a birthday party every month- if you have birthdays that month). I miss not seeing my family as often as I use to, it sucks growing up and having your own responsibilities at times, but sometimes you just have to man up and do what is right.

“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”  (Ephesians 4:31-32)

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Day 1, Day 2

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  1. Oh…I just wanna give u a HUG…and remember, its what you’ve been thru that makes you of what you are today. A strong person with a big heart!

  2. Writing about it is a good thing… It helps on the road to forgiveness to talk it out… You are and I wish you well… We are proud of you. 🙂

    • Thank you E 🙂 I have found out through this challenge it is a lot easier to talk it out, and write about it than to keep it in. It makes it easier on setting it on the back burner, waiting for the flame to be completely gone.

  3. I admire your determination for change, for acknowledging the pains in your life and working on ways to heal them. Forgiveness is not an easy task but your making a step that will ultimately bring you peace and happiness. great post.

    • Thanks Traveler for coming by to read, and to comment. I can not wait for the day I can totally forget everything that as happened in my past. I hope you are having a wonderful day, and I hope to see you stop by again.

  4. Such an honest post. It’s so hard to forgive ourselves.

    • Thanks for coming by and taking the time to read and comment. It is hard to forgive ourselves, but we have to live and learn. I hope you are having a great day/night 🙂

  5. Jan Glidewell once said “You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.”

    Paul Boese once said “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”

    The questions are, what do you say? How do you feel? What will you do?

    In time, will you learn to not just let go of your past, but learn from it? Embrace the changes that you’ve gone through, both good and bad. Learn from the bad changes and decisions, keep pushing forward and acting on the good decisions.

    Everyone else in your life can influence your decisions, actions, and experiences… but only you can act on that influence.

    You’re a strong, independent, smart woman. I know that you’ll be just fine.

    • Thanks for this Ryan. You are truly an amazing friend. I know you can learn from your past, as I have taught myself a lot. It is easier to learn though, than to forgive yourself. You have to eventually just step up and take responsibilities of your actions. I know one day I will totally forgive and forget, I am working on it. to you for always being there for me.

  6. I have faith that you will overcome this in time. Its a hard battle. I fought it for a long time! Most of these sound like it happened a long time ago. You have a beautiful life. A beautiful family. Things might have gone perfectly. You made mistakes. Your parents made mistakes. But look what grew out of that!!! Forgive the mistakes and embrace the beauty of your present and future life! 🙂

    • *might not have gone perfectly… lol

    • Thanks Joella! I know I am such a stronger person now than I was then. Growing up at the age of 17 wasn’t part of my plans, but I had to do it. I know I can eventually forgive myself, but it takes time. I know I can do it, and to see someone who can call out the best in me through a simple post, you my dear are such a beautiful person. Thanks Joella.

  7. Don’t let the past make you what you are today. Let it go!
    There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this…… When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

    ~~The Bible said that, “They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us” [1 John 2:19]. ~~

    People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead. You have to know when it is dead. You have to know when it is over.

    I believe in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!

    If you are holding on to something that doesn’t belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to… LET IT GO!!!

    If you are holding on to past hurts and pains… LET IT GO!!!

    If someone can’t treat you right, love you back, and see your worth… LET IT GO!!!

    If someone has angered you… LET IT GO!!!

    If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge… LET IT GO!!!

    If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction… LET IT GO!!!

    If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents… LET IT GO!!!

    If you have a bad attitude… LET IT GO!!!

    If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better… LET IT GO!!!

    If you’re stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him… LET IT GO!!!

    If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship… LET IT GO!!!

    If you keep trying to help someone who won’t even try to help themselves… LET IT GO!!!

    If you’re feeling depressed and stressed… LET IT GO!!!

    If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying, “take your hands off of it,” then you need to… LET IT GO!!!

    Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.

    GOD is doing a new thing for (2011*)!

    LET IT GO!!!

    Heavenly Father, I ask unto you to bring the Peace and Happiness in Jennas life right now. You said If two or more come together in your name and agree on anything we ask, that it shall be done for them of my Father in Heaven. I ask that you wrap your love around Jenna today. I ask that you bring her the strength she needs to allow you to lift this heavy burden off her shoulders. Lord, You said It is finished. We fully believe that in the name of Jesus Christ. Thank you Lord for never leaving us or forsaking us. You are our One and Only Heavenly Father. I love you! Thank you Father!

    Get Right or Get Left… think about it, and then… LET IT GO!!!

    Stop and think and appreciate God’s power in your life, for doing what you know is pleasing to Him.

    ~T.D. Jakes

    • Did you snoop into tomorrow post?? 😮 This brought tears to my eyes! like o.m.g. I am speechless, not in a bad way, but a good way! I know I need to let it go, and you know, after tomorrow, I will. After tomorrow, I will have said all I have to say about a “someone” and it will be where I shut the door, and end that chapter. Thanks Lisa, you may never know how much I need you or how much I look up for you as a friend and apart of my family. Thank you for being there for me, even when I am on my knees. I love you, always and forever. You never give up in what you believe in. YOU are a strong person too. Love you girl! LIKE FOREAL! <— my saying

  8. Ruth D.

     /  July 3, 2011

    That was amazing and super honest. Forgiveness really is a process, something we all have to learn. I know that many people struggle to forgive others because they can’t seem to forgive themselves for many thing. But hey, if Jesus is able to forgive us, who are we to not forgive ourselves?! I always try to keep that in mind whenever I have to forgive myself for something. Anyway, great post! 😉

    • so true!! I am learning, it takes time though! I know it can be done, esp since Jesus risk his life for us. I hope you are having a wonderful day.

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